It's a complex issue, as with every single aspect of this particular challenge that has been thrown at me, but in no particular order, here is my reasoning.
- My rights were Terminated, having rights reinstated, although possible, is not likely in this particular case.
- Constant changes are not good for children, even more so when at least one of those children is Autistic.
- I am not the best decision for my children: my children have a better chance elsewhere.
First, and the most difficult to understand for most folks is why my rights were terminated.
It comes down to this, during the CPS case, it was discovered that I found my daughter shirtless in my living room with the accused. He stammered a few excuses but finally landed on "I was inspecting a rash." which my daughter did have at the time. It was assumed that I "knew or should have known" at that point that the accused was victimizing my daughter. There were a few reasons I didn't. Number 1 that was my husband, number 2 my daughter went along with his excuse, and number 3 my social queues are not what they ought to be, and I'll take any action/word/hyperbole to be literal, this is because as I mentioned before I am autistic, and I don't do the social thing very well.
My lawyer decided when the autism came up on the psychological evaluation, there was not anything we could do to fight the case. My choices were 2 simple ones: Give my children willingly to the adoptive parents, whom I knew loved my children as their own, or secondly to allow my children to end up in the DHS system, in foster care where I could not guarantee they would not themselves be victimized.
I made the best decision I could with the shit options I was offered. This isn't my lawyer's fault, this isn't my fault, this isn't ANYONE's *FAULT*, this is just what happens. Blaming the lawyer, or the adoptive parents, or me or anyone isn't going to solve the fact that this happened. It just IS. This is the way the law is designed to work. In 2009, I was warned that this COULD be occurring. I was not given the literature that I would have needed to determine there was a problem, but I also didn't seek it out. If people want to blame someone, they can blame me, or CPS, or the man on the moon. It won't change the fact that the law IS the law. In this case, some folks feel that it didn't serve those it was meant to protect. I don't feel like this was fair, but I feel like the world isn't evolved enough to see the grey in a black and white issue. I don't feel like the law can be changed at this time. I eagerly await a revision or 2. It won't help me, but other women in the future.
For my second point, my oldest son is also Autistic. Autistic folks do not do well in an atmosphere of constant change. They NEED pattern, they crave it, they do not function well without it. By changing up where the kids were living, that would be changing up something they have been living with and adapting to for 2 or more years now. The Adoptive parents were chosen because outside of me and the accused, my children were taken care of over there the MOST. My ex in laws know the best ways to take care of these kids. They know their quirks and habits, they know what discipline works on them, they know the drill, they were quite simply the best choice for the boys. They may have promised to let me see them and haven't yet followed through with that, but the fact of the matter is, they are being fooled and deceived by a sociopath. If your son tells you something, if you WANT to believe it, you will... no one wants to believe their son is a criminal. So please, lay off them, too. This isn't THEIR fault, either. It just happened. If folks disagree, let's get together and work toward changing the laws in regards to CPS. They are victims too. They had to give up their retirement in order to take care of my kids. I'm sure there are ways they would have rather spent their time and money, but my boys are the world to them. I know they are. The reason they are keeping me away is that they feel myself and my new husband are a threat. But they won't meet with him or me to talk to us. The dialog is closed, and unless a third party somewhere has got a diplomatic tongue and can reopen it, it's gonna stay closed.
Third point, I am not the best choice for my children. This is a bit harder for folks to grasp. "But don't you love your kids? Don't you miss them?"
This isn't about who loves the kids more. This is about who is better equipped to handle the needs of three growing boys; a family with 3 adults, 2 of which work from home and the third who works overnights and therefore can be available when the children get home from school, or 2 adults who barely know if they are coming or going half of the time. Bonus, the second adult in my household is someone my children have NEVER MET BEFORE.
It's regrettably just not the best fit. Of course I love them, of course I miss them. Of course I wish they could meet their step siblings! None of that matters though. It is no longer my decision to make. The best I can hope for is a visitation agreement, and I am not even entitled to that.
I prayed before his sentencing went through that the accused with take his fate with some grace. I have accepted mine. I can cry, I can call sour grapes all I'd like, but the truth of the matter is, the only thing that will heal this situation is time and patience. If the adoptive parents never speak to me again, I can only hope that my kids come find me, and I know they will. I have reason to believe they already are trying.
It is painful to keep talking about it, because I've made my decision and people keep trying to get me jazzed up; fired up, DO something, TAKE A STAND!
All that "doing something"? All that "taking a stand"? All that is going to do is hurt my sons. And if I keep telling my daughter I'm doing something to try to see the boys, and it falls through again, all that does is hurts HER. The ball is in the Adoptive parent's court now. They were so scared yesterday they had a police escort take them out to their car, and I know I haven't been threatening. So, if you haven't been, please just LEAVE THEM BE. Remember, they are victims in this, too. They just don't know it yet.
NOTHING is black and white. All situations, no matter how plain, have a touch of grey. This whole thing is a big grey smear, and people like to focus a lot on the black or white in that grey smear. It is, for lack of a better term, a pencil mark. This case is not a case of winners. We all lost big time. We are talking broken shards here, though. We are talking Mosaics.
We take our strength, we stand up on it, we say what we feel. We tell the truth. We don't point fingers, we just state facts.
My daughter, about a year or so ago had a speech in one of her classes talking about her experiences. She told the prosecutor about it, and he mentioned it during sentencing yesterday. He mentioned that her scars that are on her arms from cutting reminded her to be strong. What she didn't mention to him, is what all the kids in class called her.
She wrote the slurs on her arms. She was called a whore and about 20 other unbelievable, unspeakable things. In the midst of this, she ended up leaving that school district entirely.
There IS a stigma. If you want to be idealistic and REALLY help my kids, you should fight for that. Remove the stigma.
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