This is my story

I am Daniel Ryan

I am in utero

I hear voices singing “Danny Boy”

I am Danielle Rene

I have entered the world screaming and the color of a blueberry

I do not wish to be here, not this way

by my own terms,

but not on the terms of those around me who wear

masks and hair caps

screaming “She’s not breathing”

Frantically removing the ties from around my neck

the umbilical cord tightly woven

around my blue neck.

I am Dee

I am 9 months old

I have expressed to the young girl a few doors down that my

“Name is Danielle but you can call me Dee.”

and thus my nick name

I am Dee

I am 5 years old

I have been taken to specialist after specialist

until one proclaims “dyspraxia nervosa”

and I do not know what that means

my parents look gravely at me

but tell me they’ll help

should it ever come to pass I need it.

I am Dee

I am different from the other children

I take every statement literally

I worry constantly

I think I am smarter than everyone in my class

but I can’t prove it.

no one gets me

no one understands me

I am left to my own world

my imaginary friends accept me, with their crazy name

“koo koo” and “Quiche”

I can’t remember them now.

But I remember their names

As clear as my own.

I am Dee

I am 12 years old

I received a letter from my parents at 6th grade breakfast

saying how proud they are of me.

saying “the doctors said you’d never write, run, ice skate…”
“look how wrong they were!” they say, pleased.

I think, “Do you know how hard that was for me?”

“Do you know how hard I worked at that?”

I am simultaneously proud and alienated.

Santa, the Tooth Fairy and now this?

How do you follow that up, Ma?  

How do you follow that up, Dad?

I am Aisling Violet

I am 16 years old.

I have just left Special Ed.

I am Wiccan, a poet, an artist,

a debater, a fencer…

I stand strong on my own two feet

I turn my heel when things are not right

I fix what I can, I accept what I can’t.

I am very much alive but dead inside.

I am Dani

I am 18 years old

I play tag at midnight with my friends

I go to the movies

I play laser tag,

anything to keep me away

from home

with the constant litany of poor me

the constant chatter, the constant arguing which leaves me hiding in my room sobbing

and writing

I have retreated to my own world.

and now I am leaving for points unknown.

I am leaving for the Sault.

I will not return.

I am Danielle Dunne

I am 19 years old

I am in the hospital

watching the clock on the wall between feedings of my baby girl

I am still a child

and I have a child.

I have become everything my husband to be wants me to be

I have no individual identity

I do not stand on my own two feet

I stand on his and allow him to lead.

I am Danielle Renee Brown

I am 22 years old

I am a battered woman

I am finding my strength

I have no vehicle of my own

I spend my time with my daughter at home

Trying to educate her as best I can

and show her this behavior from a man is not acceptable

that she’ll be stronger than me

I survive on one meal a week, that my daughter can eat the rest of them

I binge when food is available, then do not eat for a week.

I have started yoga, I have started classes even though

I am told I will never be allowed to have more than an associate’s

I am not happy, but I am coping

I see no other way.

I am Danielle Renee Dunne

I am 24 years old

I have moved in with my college boyfriend

we have a dog and 8 pet rats

we are both majoring in Journalism

we work at the student paper

we both have our identities,

and when I cannot stand on my own feet he offers me a cane

he saved me

he drove in the middle of the night and saved me

all the way to Toledo.

We are so very happy.

he is my soulmate

we remember our past lives together

have relations at least twice a day

I am Danielle Renee Domanski

I am 25 years old

I was married in March, our son was born in April

my life is so happy and full

I cannot believe this is real.

This is my dream come real

My daughter is a bit needy, but my children are perfect

the neighbors downstairs scare me

I hear echoes of my former life from below

and I want to reach out but…

my life is so full and so beautiful.

I cannot bear to look away, it may change and…

I may wake up and realize this was all a dream.

I am Danielle Renee Domanski

I am 32 years old

I have four children.

I can’t believe I have four children.

Seriously, when the hell did I get four kids?

Who said this was ok?

Where is my husband?

Where am I?

Who is this man sleeping next to me?

Where did my knight in shining armor go?

is he really a retard in tin foil?

How will I drive these children around?

And my husband, how will I transport him?

On the roof of the car?

He can’t drive or anything, barely knows his name half the time

and what’s this now that he’s been molesting my daughter?

Who’s life is this anyway?

I WANT OUT.

But he’s in there somewhere.  My knight, my handsome keeper

He’s in there somewhere.

Where are you, Paul?  Where did you go?

My name is Danielle Renee

I am 34 years old

He’s in jail

I put him there

and there he must stay

my bed is empty, and I am so lonely and sad

looking and the memories of lives long past and wishing

for one more kiss

and one more dance,

and I cry all of the time

my sons are gone

my daughter I only see when I drive

to the other side of the state

I have taken in some college girls to ease my pain

but nothing helps.

I am Dani

I am a fuck bunny

use my body

for I am worthless

there is nothing to me anymore

my soulmate might as well be dead

and here I am, still alive, still out, still breathing

I had to do this, to protect my daughter.

forget I mentioned my daughter

just make my worthless body worth something

fuck me

allow me to pleasure you

for that is all I am worth.

I am Danielle Renee

I just am.

I remember back to when I was happy

and alone

in my bedroom

when the only world I had to understand

was my own

and I remember

and I understand

and I live there.

I am moving away from this hell hole

that was my dream

turned perfect nightmare

I am Danielle Renee

and I really really really don’t want to fall for you

so I am going to pretend to pay half attention to your words…

but then I realized you write in a way that I enjoy reading

you write how my heart feels

and so I tentatively look into your eyes and

FUCK.

I am Danielle Renee Dunne, Again.

and this is my continuing story.

I have restarted my life so many times now

that it seems strange to continue from last save.

but here I am

continuing.

Save points corrupted, but happy for the first time in 10 years

still lost

still finding my way.

with my new love beside me

my new husband sleeping soundly

as I attempt to sleep

and find myself restlessly dreaming again

of the adventures we’ll have tomorrow.

I am completely and wholly myself, with all the former lives mixed in, for better

or worse.

I am.