A lot of folks try to save me from drowning, and not too many of them realize that I must in order to grieve. It doesn't make me happy, either. It is what has to happen though. I have many things in my life that fulfill me and make me happy, but there is an emptiness to all of this, a sort of post apocalyptic settling of dust that comes up around me.
Sometimes though, I just need to feel empty. It's not about drama or sadness, it's about processing what has happened and continuing the journey forward though the depths.
This doesn't mean I do not have my down days, I do, like anyone else. There are days when I miss him still, which conflicts me greatly because I am still somewhat angry about what happened.
There are gifts in the depths though. My daughter is a strong young woman and she'll just keep getting stronger with time and experience. This doesn't make her experience any less terrible or traumatic, it just lends credence to the continuing lessons of the world. I hate that my daughter has gone though but I love the strength she's gained... Small blessings.
When you find yourself in these impossible situations you look for the helpers like Mr. Rogers always said. This is the way we process.
I have worked some insane hours at work this week, had a terrible couple of days, featuring 14-18 hour days of me bringing work home.
And all I could think of, as I used to in the times before is how much my family was depending on me. This time though it was my daughter and step kids that I thought about. Everytime I thought of walking out the door, I thought of them.
Also I've started planning my new tattoo. It is the equation for entropy. It symbolizes my son, Evan. For Dan, I want to get a traditional heart with a banner, but instead of saying mom, I want it to say Mum, because that's what he called me and always changed my mii name to on our wii. For Tom, I simply want to get the name "Tom", but looking like it was drawn on in green crayon. He loves to put letters together and make words, Tabbers loved to write his name over and over again and his favorite color was green. It still is I'm told.
It's odd to talk about them in past tense.
I wish I could just make sense of this.
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