I'm still out here

I'm still out here, just taking some time.  Solitude is sometimes necessary especially after an explosive catharsis.

I was ok today until work ended and I was heading home.  Then it hit, ALL of it.  The pain in my chest, the sobs, the being unable to breathe, all while I drove down the highway, all at once.

I had to fight the urge to stop by their house on the way home and force my way in.  It's been more than a year since I've seen either of my sons, and being my youngest son's birthday today, I have no idea what he looks like anymore.  He was 3 when I last saw him, and now he is 5.  If I passed him on the street, I may not know it's him.  But then again, he may not know it's me either.

The relentless march of time stops for no man, no woman, no beast.

And with that, work rouses me early tomorrow morning.

I need a little help getting through here.  I'm asking for light work and prayers.  Not really asking so much as begging in a sobbing mass on my hands and knees.  I am barely holding it together, but I must as I have important work to do tomorrow, and my Fiance and friends need me.

I keep telling myself I just want one last chance to say goodbye to them.
Just. One.

And I do.  I want the lifetimes I was promised.  I want them, their dreams, their goals, their visions of the future, their annoying habits and their dirty laundry.

And I will never have that again.

Ok, really I'm done now.  I think I've complained enough and it does no good anyhow.